Skav Art

From Me, To You

2012-02-23T18:25:00.000Z

(black biro on 86mm x 56mm card)

Screw you to infinity!

One of those images that you think of that needs drawing or it bugs you forever. The strange symbols around it don't mean anything and are used as a form of shading (which I quite like and might use again).

Our Billy

2012-02-05T23:17:00.002Z

(HB pencil on 127mm x 76mm note card)

On the back of this one I've written:

Th'z nowt wrong wi' our Billy. Everyone likes him 'round here. It's only sutherners that have a problem wi'him. We had one not s'long since. A Mister Shanks from 'Home Office. Daft bugger dint know wharri were on abaht and got himsen wound up abaht nowt.

"He's not normal, Mister Ackroyd!" he says to me. "Can't you see that he's made of metal?"

"Probably from Sheffield," I says. "Th've all got steel in their blood ovver there. So they say anyway." Then this Shanks feller turned right nasty.

"Are you completely stupid?!" the cheeky bleeder said to me! In m'own house, and in front o' wife 'n' kids 'n' all! "He's not human," he says. "He's some unearthly freak!" Well, I just snapped dint I? After I gently ushered wife 'n' kids out o' room and closed 'door behind them.

"Now you listen to me, y'pin-striped pillock!" I says, not wanting t'raise m'voice 'coz o' neighbours like. "Just because our Billy dunt drink or smoke dunt make him different. I'm sure that's homophobic, or summat, I dunno. He's a proper man's man. Works his shift at pit and pays his way. He even looks after his pigeons well, and they're 'only ones that shite all ovver him. If you can't accept him for what he is, then y'can just bugger off back down sahth, because y'not welcome 'round here!" And I sent him on his way with a flea in his ear.

"BLOODY SUTHERNERS, EH PHIL?" Billy said to me later on.

Aye, bloody sutherners. None of 'em know what's reet.

Conspiracy Of Silence

2012-01-16T17:57:00.000Z

(Black biro on a 75mm x 75mm Post-it note)

Well, not quite on a Post-it note, as they cost too much. More like on a much cheaper alternative that are just as good.

As you can see, I've based the idea on the three wise monkeys, which works well for the alien conspiracy genre.

The Balloon Seller

2011-09-14T19:30:00.012+01:00

(HB pencil on 125mm x 75mm memo paper)

-NO LONGER AVAILABLE-

Don't expect this old balloon seller to be made into a Royal Doulton figure anytime soon!

"Nobody knows her name, but she does have her own unique way with children. If they misbehave, she'll start by taking away their pets - one by one. If they still persist in being unruly, then she'll take away their parents - one by one. Sooner or later they learn manners and morals. If they don't, and they grow up into misbehaving adults, then she punishes them by cutting off their hands - one by one.

But mostly, she sells balloons."

Business Card # 6 - Toon Flipper

2011-09-11T20:30:00.002+01:00

(HB pencil on 74mm x 48mm card)

The last of these six business card designs that I've done so far. The ad on the back of this one reads:

"TOURETTES SUFFERERS:

You can ~~FUCK OFF~~ now share your problem with other ~~TWATS~~ sufferers like yourself. Just ~~BOLLOCKS~~ call in anytime for a nice, friendly ~~WANK~~ chat."

Business Card # 5 - Alien Grey

2011-09-08T21:00:00.002+01:00

(black biro on 74mm x 47mm card)

The tricky part of doing these is trying to think up decent fake small ads for the back of them. On the back of this one I went for something simple:

"FOR SALE sign for sale.

Will also include a SOLD sign for free,

but only after purchase."

Business card # 4 - Little Tank

2011-09-06T20:30:00.003+01:00

(black biro on 74mm x 48mm card)

An arcade game style little tank. The faux ad on the back of this one is similar to most over-optimistic ad descriptions you see, especially on ebay! It reads:

"FOR SALE: A mint condition item with slight damage. Used a few times, but is brand new. A popular item that has sold millions, but is very rare and highly collectible."

Business Card # 3 - No Smoking!

2011-09-03T20:32:00.006+01:00

(fineliner on 74mm x 48mm card)

A nice visual gag on the front of this one. The ad on the back says:

"HOODIE FOR SALE:

Small sized and needs washing.

Useless and no longer wanted.

Answers to the name of "Phil"

Offers:"

Business Card # 2 - Smoking Skull

2011-09-01T13:05:00.006+01:00

(fineliner on 74mm x 45mm card)

I've done a few of these quick business cards. They're more quick sketches than the usual skav works, but I like doing them (it beats wasting money getting business cards printed). On the back of them I write faux small ads. On this one I wrote:

"FOR SALE : Various roadkill I've run over in my 4x4.

These include: 5 rabbits, 6 Hedgehogs, 4 badgers, 2 Foxes, 7 Dogs, 3 Cats, A Horse, and a Velociraptor."

Business Card # 1 - SSHH!

2011-09-01T13:00:00.003+01:00

(black biro on 74mm x 44mm card)

I'll probably keep doing these every now and again, but it might be better to just do the images and not the text as I usually sign the backs of my work anyway with the web address. The fake ad on the back of this ones reads:

"FOR SALE : THE HOLY GRAIL.

The genuine cup of Christ. Was discovered on a recent expedition to the far east where several of our group were killed. The value of this item cannot be measured.

Will swap for an iPad."

The Numen-Deus OMNI PASSCARD (Xonu)

2011-08-27T22:00:00.006+01:00

(blue biro on 125mm x 75mm memo paper)

On the back of this part-transmorphic (meaning an image that grew as I was drawing it) one is written:

"Little is known of these mystic cards of power. Where are they from? Who are Numen-Deus? And why does each one have it's own unique name? What is known, however, is that if you're lucky enough to obtain one, you gain access to anything, anyone, anywhere, and anywhen in the entire universe. All barriers removed. All doors unlocked. All impossibilities made possible* Or, to use the Numen-Deus line:

"ALL THINGS SHALL BE LAID OPEN"

But only the original can do this, and they are rare. A sanctioned copy can bring the bearer good fortune, whereas an unsanctioned one will bring nothing but bad*

*And if you believe that rubbish, you'll believe anything!

This is not shit

2011-08-16T21:15:00.012+01:00

(Fineliner on 105mm x 73mm card)

A parody (or piss-take, if you prefer) of the famous René Magritte work. It was fairly easy to remember the simple elements of the original and do my version of it.

Seti Rapunzel

2011-08-12T21:35:00.013+01:00

(black biro on 125mm x 75mm memo paper)

-NO LONGER AVAILABLE-

A SETI themed image. On the back I've written:

"If she tried a little harder and just took a few risks, then she might escape from her self-imposed, archaic tower prison. Perhaps then she could expand on her limited knowledge of the universe. But she chose the easier option of staying, preferring to let her long hair flail chaotically in the wind with messages tied to the ends. In her mind, someone's bound to notice in time. She hasn't been doing this long and she's already weary of it.
"Once, she was wowed by a vague contact, but she heard nothing more from it and her letter for it has slipped from her hand. She only just holds onto the letter for that "special" contact, the one she hopes will bring her complete salvation. But that too may be lost if she loses all interest.
"The trouble with the waiting game is that it's not as easy as she first thought. She's still far too young, far too impatient, and her hair is still far too short to make contact. And when that time comes, if ever, it will only be through chance."

I had one or two problems with this piece. I'm not talking about the mistake on the left hand (which looks odd, I know, but I never worry about such things). I'm talking about when I came to laminate it. The damn thing mangled in the laminator! The only way I could remove the piece was to take the laminator apart, which I did, destroying it in the process. The artwork was in one piece and I managed to peel off the laminate pouch as, thankfully, it wasn't stuck on that well. But it had been creased. Best thing I could do was put it in another laminating pouch and iron-laminate to flatten it. There's still a couple of creases running down the middle, but it's alright. I'm just glad I scanned it first.

Neighbourhood Watcher

2011-08-09T21:13:00.018+01:00

(HB pencil on a 140mm x 90mm postcard)

-NO LONGER AVAILABLE-

Every home should have a pet dragon. On the back I've written:

"In the five years we've had Sparky, he's been no problem at all. He barely needs feeding, unlike those two greedy jack russells we used to have, which cost a fortune in food and vet bills. But they disappeared a few years ago, along with many other pets and small animals that have mysteriously vanished from our estate in recent years. The police have been baffled by it. The last one happened the other day when Mrs Whelen's pedigree golden retriever was snatched from her back garden, She'd only turned her back on it for a second when she suddenely heard it yelp and then nothing. So whoever it is that's stealing these animals is very quick and very professional, and they seem to only target our area. It's a shame Sparky hasn't seen this phantom pet snatcher, because he's good at keeping guard. There's been no burglaries or vandalism since he's been around. Fair enough, there have been incidents where kids have received serious burns, but that should teach them not to throw stones at him.

"Sparky's even got himself a special neighbourhood watch award for his services to the community. We took him down to the police station where he received it. I remember it well, because it was the same day that one of their police dogs went missing."

Eric Flashbone

2011-08-06T21:03:00.002+01:00

(black biro on a 74mm x 51mm piece of card)

Just a strange character that I did on a small off-cut piece of card (I don't like to waste anything!).

Small House For Sale

2011-08-04T11:54:00.013+01:00

(black biro on a piece of 97mm x 74mm memo paper)

You see alot of abandoned drinks cans left by people who haven't figured out the complexities of using a nearby bin. Either that or they're giving shelter to tiny people. On the back of this one I've written:

"An abandoned local landmark renovated into a cosy little home fit for one person or young couple. Set in a prime window-ledge location, overlooking a panoramic view of a back yard. A good tolerance of cats, rats, and pigeons is essential."

And Then The Little Boy Said...

2011-08-04T11:46:00.018+01:00

(Fineliner pen on the back of a 85mm x 55mm business card)

The full title of this is: And Then The Little Boy Said..."Fuck You!"

Dr. Franz Riktor - Professional Vampire Hunter

2011-08-01T12:05:00.028+01:00

(HB pencil on 71mm x 44mm paper)

He's a well prepared vampire hunter. He even wears a neck collar to stop himself from being bitten.
I thought I'd also use this image for my avatar for the time being.

Chuckin' Out Time At The Cough Inn Pub

2011-08-01T12:00:00.033+01:00

(black biro on 105mm x 74mm card)

For the first post in this blog, I thought I'd go for an image that is more of a social satire on a disappearing way of life. On the back I've written:

"With all the pubs closing down, you're more likely to see sights similar to this in town and city centres these days. But when the average local was more frequented, you'd see such diabolical creatures lurching along the roads and footpaths of estates, late at night, with only a confused homing pigeon instinct left for an intellect. Pale, dishevelled, and grunting incoherently. It's difficult to believe that these mindless shades were once rational human beings. Nevermind the complete and utter horror that they could be people you once knew."

I think the regular late night plague of "pub zombies" that was common across the UK has greatly diminished over the past years. Maybe that's a good or bad thing, I dunno.